Today, I dug a hole full of mud and fell into the puddle purposely. Knowing that its a damn puddle of mud.. I still stepped into it like a boss.

Okay damn it. I admit it. My hands were itching to look at 'em and with a few clicks.. I saw what I knew I would see and I got emo all over again. Well, not REALLY emo but it was enough to make me lay down on my bed for a really long time staring into thin air with thoughts running through my mind. Its been 8 months now and I can proudly say that I am already over it completely! When people start asking me whether have I moved on, I always reply with a really confident "OF COURSE!" But when I come home and just right before I go to bed.. I wonder if I was lying to them.. or rather... to myself. 4 years of being in a relationship.. 4 years of loving someone deeply with all my heart.. I gave everything to that person. My love, my heart, my time... All gone in 1 day. It'd be a lie if I said that I've forgotten everything that happened right? I've never regretted losing him but I've never stopped wondering the reason 'why' did he do such things to me.

As I was laying down on my bed listening to JM's songs.. I closed my eyes and pictured those days when I am in the embrace of his. I miss chilling on the bed with someone hugging me from behind.. playing with my hair. It made me feel like a child.. a child that was loved by someone so dearly..
I am not desperate of being in a relationship.. but I just miss those moments when I have someone missing me, loving me, thinking bout me every second..
And so... as JM sang emo love songs for me, I closed my eyes and teared,while I imagined someone wrapped arms around me.

I wish I was stronger on the inside so that I could handle all these stupid thinking and thoughts of mine. I've been working really hard for the past few weeks, hoping that I could get out from my shithole and stop thinking too much. Learning how to let go slowly and I guess I'm doing a perfectly great job in forgetting and letting go.. not of the fucker but of someone else. No more texts and facebook messages.
But wtf? Guanyinma trolled me again just now and I could not believe what appeared in front of me.
I swore like mad inside my heart for God to be trolling me this way!
Grr.. anyway.. I hope I'll let this slip off asap so that I could focus on whatever I'm doing properly. Work and studies!
I've been REALLY busy with work lately.. Come home late at night and waking up pretty early every morning. Definitely draining every bit of my energy but I'm enjoying this. Is this a bad sign? Workaholic? Anyway.. am looking forward to CNY.. I love the happy vibe and loud chatter of friends and family filling our new home.

Time to sleep now. Working like mad again tomorrow.

Good night.

x