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Have you ever been afraid? What you fear of isn't really a problem. Its still a fear after all. Whether if its a thing, a situation, a person, or something.. it all comes back to the four letter word: fear.
I have a lot of things that I am afraid of. Insects, clowns, ghosts, zombies and yadda yadda..

Ever since when I was a little child, I always had the fear of losing my parents. I used to think about this a lot. Almost everyday. I was stupid to have such thinking but I just couldn't help it. Who doesn't? Being the youngest in the family, mom and dad has always been pampering me (in a good way). Not that I'm a spoiled brat and all but still.. I'm both a mommy's and also a daddy's girl. I've never really been out of the house before and I am always stuck to them like I have some kinda super glue on. Even when I'm already 20 years old now.. they are always getting worried over the slightest things.

This problem actually struck me when Popo passed away a few years back. It felt weird when you realise that someone that you love dearly can just say byebye to you and begone in a second. I will never forget the moment when I stepped into the room and saw her lying there with the handkerchief covered over her face. It was a scene that I never will want to see again in my life. And so, I have started to appreciate dad and mom more. Quarrel less. Talk back less. Love more. Listen more. Obey more. I dare not imagine days when I won't be seeing them again.. thus.. I am working extra hard on being a good daughter. I fear of losing them... too much its unbelievable.

And it all comes back to the fear of losing someone that you love wholeheartedly. You may think that I'm a coward but hey.. this is from someone who's "been there, done that" so shut it. I was in love with a man for four years and in less than a month, everything went down the sewers. Just like how you flush the toilet every time you're done using it.
I have been feeling rather lonely these few days. I have people around me. Of course I do! They talk to me, they eat with me, they watch movie with me, they laugh with me. But sometimes.. people just don't understand the urge to do all these things with just ONE person that's enough to replace anyone in your circle of friends. After a long day at work, sometimes I just want to talk to someone. Someone who's not from my family, my friends (not a stranger too of course), or even my closest friends!
Just this person who does nothing special.. but still feels special to you. I haven't had that feeling for a really long time now... and unfortunately.. I am beginning to look for that feeling again.
Someone who gives you that mini heart attack whenever he/she talks to you, laugh with you, joke with you, even pissing you off would seem like a blessing.. because all you want from that person is their attention.. and love.

At times when I go to bed, I can't help but to hug my plushies as tight as I could, just to make myself feel a little loved and secure with them in my arms. In other words, I just wanna hug something.. or someone. Being unattached is definitely a good thing when it comes to being an independent lady. I've been through this 7 months normally. Nothing much happened and nothing much changed. Though stress and depression pops up regularly, I've learned to put my hand around their shoulders and became friends with them. Last time, I would've just picked up the phone and called and blabber out whatever that I was feeling. Since I don't have this 'privilege' to be doing so anymore, I've learned how to "keep it to myself". Or the most I can do is just to rant on my blog.
There's a fine thin line between desperation and merely.. just needing someone to talk to. For me, desperation is like.. you yearn for sex and only sex. Nothing more than that. But HEY! I just want someone that I can talk to. Is that so bad? Maybe fate's still playing the hide and seek game with me. Guess I'll just have to wait for this funny little thing called 'fate' to tap me on my shoulder and shout TAG!

Falling for someone is not a sin. Definitely not. Falling in love is something that one cannot control. You can't blame me for falling in love with an animal (my whale). You can't blame me for falling in love with Japan. You can't blame me for falling in love with an anime character. You can't blame me for falling in love with money.
No one can point at you with their index finger and say "You are NOT doing the right thing by falling for this guy/girl!"
If you've ever encountered someone who's said that to you, ask that person to go fly kites. We may fall for the wrong person.. but we still need time to get our heads off from the hole. You don't fall in love with one overnight, and you definitely don't fall OUT of love overnight. The process of 'unliking' someone may be longer than the 'liking' process. It may also hurt a thousand times more.. but all we need is some time and till our senses come back to us, everything will just be as fine. So never judge someone who's being all emo and stuff just because he/she is falling out of love. Pat him/her on the shoulder and tell them that they're doing a good job instead. Sometimes, being a nicer person won't hurt.

I am afraid of falling in love once again.. unfortunately, I already am. This is why I am trying my hardest to pull myself out from this quicksand. Before I dwell on any longer.. I really have to stay strong and do things right. Pat me on my shoulder or give me a hug or send me a text to let me know that there's still people out there that cares for me.. cause all I could do now is to hide inside my blanket and cry silently.. with a broken heart.


x


p/s: I couldn't resist but to UNintentionally 'cared' about it. It? Him? It. I'm such a loser when it comes to these things. If love was a game, I'd have lost when I haven't even started. But still.. I am glad that he's okay.

p/p/s: What's everyone's plans for this NYE? Hope its something worth remembering. Predictions for now are still staying at home, watching the tv, online.. or read a book. Thankful enough, I'm not working on the weekends! Though I'll still have to go for a show on Sunday night, but there's no lessons and work on Saturday and Sunday morning! How fun. A year has passed.. and this has definitely been a really bad year for me. Hope 2012 will be treating me right. Time to reflect this year and I guess my new year's resolution is to earn more money and become stronger? My new year's resolution for my family is for everyone to stay healthy, happy, and loved always. Are we supposed to kiss someone on NYE? I guess I'll settle with my whale then. Closer and closer to 2012! Everybody be good :)