I was just day dreaming when I suddenly thought of a few things about.. well.. myself.

I see so many pretty girls walking around and I kinda did a really stupid thing which was comparing myself to them.. And then suddenly I began comparing myself with other people.. not only those hot chicks.. but just to anyone.

I'm just gonna list down things that came across my mind. No particular order at all. Just stuffs that flashes through my mind and makes me wanna write it down. Click X now if you want to.

I.......

- consider myself a boring type of girl because I play a traditional Chinese instrument which people think is boring because of the word "traditional".

- only go to work and college every single bloody day..

- rarely go out to enjoy. If you consider watching a movie alone is enjoying myself then its up to you to judge me.

- rarely go out because no one brings me out.

- am always dressed in a simple tshirt and a shorts/jeans with a pair of slippers.

- have no 'sexy' clothes. Look at my wardrobe and you'll see a whole collection of my tshirts.

- am fat.

- don't go out and socialize as much as other girls do.

- don't really wear short skirts. The only time I wear dresses/skirts shorter than my knee length is when I wear cheongsam to work.

- read sappy emo books and comics and cry myself to bed after reading.

- watch anime like an otaku and imagine myself to be in the anime.

- listen and sing to sappy emo songs a lot, and then get emo myself.

- get emotional very quickly. I cry very easily.. but I can also laugh super easily.

- am always wanting to go out and have some fun rather than staying in my room doing nothing.. but I'll always disappoint myself cause I'll still end up in my room alone.

- have 3 siblings and I don't really see them everyday. When I am at home, they will be out. When they're at home, I'll be out.

- really like to hang out with my siblings because its the only time we get to crap with each other. but I only get to go out with them once in a blue moon cause they never do give a damn bout me.

- am always worried bout my family members. When I know any of them is feeling down, I will always text or message or ask them, and I will get worried and think of negative stuffs and will try my best to make them laugh with my stupid idiotic jokes. I can even make myself looking like an idiot just to cheer them up a lil.. but this has never really happened to me before because again no one really gives a damn bout me.

- am always trying to make plans for the family to do something together.. like going out or stuffs like that but they never really do because I'm not 'cool' enough to fit in the gang.

- always get very sad and down whenever I am at home only with my parents.. Whenever I look at them watching the TV, I feel even sadder cause I realise how much they've grown old and it breaks my heart every time I think like this..

- often think that I lead a not so pleasant life. Though I have enough food, shelter and all those basic needs.. sometimes when I look back on what I've been doing for the past few years.. I just feel stupid because its like I've wasted a few years of my life doing the same stuffs.

- really hate it when things become like a routine. Especially like how I go to school, work, and come home and sleep. I'm not trying to say that I wanna be a damn party animal.. but if you (yes, you who are reading this) need to have some fun sometimes, don't you think I need 'em too?

- am always looking forward to have the whole family seated in the dining room having dinner.. but this never really do happen every day.. there's always someone missing and it sucks.

- am afraid of falling in love again. When people first told me that I'll have a phobia of falling in love 6 months before, I scoffed at them and said that I would NOT. Now that I AM falling for someone, I realise that and I feel really afraid now.

- miss the feeling of falling in love, hugging someone you really care and kissing dearly.

- should say that I lack of love. I don't lack of attention. Just love.

- feel stupid for chasing something that's never been in front of me. I keep telling myself to let go of the feeling but I just can't.

- need more time.

- hope that I will soon forget about him cause I can't let myself sink deeper and deeper.

- keep repeating the sentence above but the more I repeat.. the more I wanna see him/text him.

- feel stupid when I cannot maintain a conversation with him.

- feel even stupider when he only talks to me more when he's tipsy.

- feel ten thousand times stupider when he doesn't reply and I will not reply too.

- feel ten million times stupider when he walks pass me acting like he didn't see me.

- feel ten billion times stupider when I realised that its a total one-sided thing.

- feel ten gazillion times stupider when our face to face conversation only lasted with 3 sentences.

- like a complete idiot when I cry just because I think too much.

- want to be in love again.

- want to spend more time with my family and siblings.

- want them to know that I am no longer a stupid young kid who knows nothing bout this world.

- want them to know that I am already an adult.

- need to break free and not let myself drown into that stupid emo world again.

- had the courage of 'JUST DOING IT' and forget bout everything for 5 seconds.

- think I need to sleep.

These are a few stuffs that came across my mind as I blog and I just thought that it'd be interesting to just list out every single thing out and not make a blog entry bout each thing one by one. I think I need to sleep now.. Continue tomorrow.. *sighs*

x

p/s: Now that we've handed in our assignments, I seriously don't mind to go for some party...... but you know what? I'll just have a slumber party with my plushies and books this weekend in my room. FUcking sad. I am officially in the FML mode.