-

I was scrolling through the messages in my facebook and I was looking for a message that was sent by a stranger which I couldn't find it ANYWHERE. So I scrolled through my whole history of messages that was sent out and sent to me. So there I was, happily scrolling through.. and WHAM!

All of a sudden, I saw the name that I swore I didn't wanted to see anymore in my life right in front of my eyes.

I was expecting tears and with trembling hands.. I brought myself to click on it and there.. was the conversations that we had a year ago.

As I read through everything in that box.. I couldn't help but to cry even though I fought back those painful tears with all my might. It was as if yesterday that those messages were sent and it felt so unbelievable reading it again when I least expected them.

There was a few where I sent it to him when he went for his company trip to HK last year and knowing that he couldn't go online and call me there, I sent him messages everyday on facebook hoping that he'd be able to go online and see my messages.. but I never really did get any replies from him.

That brought back painful memories again... just like when he went to HK, I did the exact same thing when he went to Bangkok this year before I 'found out'.

He was already ignoring me even before he went there but I never really did gave up and I continued sending him texts and all, hoping that God would do me a favour by making him reply me..

I still remember clearly.. the day when he touched down after his trip.. I immediately took up my phone and whatsapped him like how I did for the past few weeks.. despite his ignorance.

"Hi baby.. how was your trip to Bangkok? Was it good? How are you feeling now? Tired? Have you reached home or are you still in the airport? I didn't know what time you'd be reaching so I've sent loads and loads of messages to you.. Sorry for spamming. Hope that you're not pissed at me for doing so.."

... no replies. Whatsapp shows that he's online and messages are sent and read.

"Hi baby.. I know you're reading this.. can you just let me know whether you've reached home or not? I just wanna know.."

.... no replies. Double ticks.

"I'm sorry baby. I won't disturb you anymore.. Have a good rest and tell me bout your trip when you feel like you wanna tell me.. Good night baby. Please rest well.. you'll still have to work tomorrow. I love you baby. I really do.. I missed you terribly when you weren't around. Please just reply one of my messages baby I beg you..."

.... no replies. Double ticks.

These type of conversations went through that 20 over days.. right until may 29th.

No one could've ever imagined whatever that I've gone through. The ignorance... the pain.. the tears every night looking at my phone.

Every time I dialed his number, I'd just leave it aside and do my own stuffs cause I knew that he wouldn't pick up no matter how many times I call.. till he turns off his phone sometimes.

The urgency to click on that damn button whenever I visited air asia's company.. praying that mom and dad wouldn't kill me if I bought the tickets to SG first without asking them.. but never dared to do so..

The depression and loneliness that I went through.

Not much food went into my tummy.. nothing tasted good.

Every night was tears.. tears.. and more tears. Phone never left my sight for even a second..

Hoping and hoping.. praying and praying before I close my eyes and doze off every night.. Ignoring everything that's happening around me..

Thoughts filled with him and only him..

Now that when I look back.. I told myself that.. I've never loved anyone as much before... Up until that evening.. everything broke and shattered and the me inside died.. I cried so much that night.. so much that it scared my mom.. All she could do was to hug and cry with me..

Nobody.. even myself.. couldn't imagine how bad.. how terrible.. how dreadful the night was.

Reading all those messages sure did kick me in the stomach. That feeling of hate and anger came back almost immediately.. but soon enough.. they faded and all was left in me was sadness and depression once again. I had to lie down on my bed and sob quietly to let it all out before things get worse.

I've always thought that I've really gotten over things.. a hundred percent.. but I'm still so weak and fragile inside.. I hate it so much. I just hope that I'll start running forward again without looking back.. I just want to. Can I?

Its been 6 months now.. in a blink of an eye.. it'd be December soon. This year's birthday is never gonna be the same again. We were together for 4 years... I celebrated one year with him.. which was last year. He told me that there'd be many more to come, and he promised that it'd be sweeter year by year.

Guess he forgot what he said after 5 months.. 6 months since I baked his birthday cake with love.. and everything went down the drain after only a few days I wished him happy birthday with a kiss on the mouth and a hug.

Fuck birthdays. Mine has never been great anyway. This year's not gonna be exceptional..

6 months.. 6 months..

6 months.... and still the feeling is deep down in my heart. Carved with a knife.. by the one I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.. by someone I loved so much just 6 months back.. but hate so much 6 months after.

Good night.